"Test cricket will hurt IPL" Modi

Feddup with all the talk about how his baby was going to kill Test cricket, Lalit Modi, Commissioner, Dictator and Cheerleader of the IPL launched an inventive broadside against the traditionalist by declaring that 'their' cricket was the one threatening the future of his baby.

Pretending to be not quite sure how this was so, one of his plants in the press box - one of the many granted access by him to ask him questions that make him look good - chirped, "We agree with you, Sir, Lord and Master ... and we know exactly what you mean, but could you please tell the rest what you mean?"

"Oh, it's quite simple," said Modi. "Test cricket is the real thing and the only thing that truly tests a player's temperament,technique and the other 'T' I can't quite recall right now. The more people are fed the longest version of the game, the less they will appreciate the IPL."

"But people don't watch Test cricket, Sir, Lord and Master," squeaked another one of his minions. Looking pleased as punch with this, Modi said, "And we must make sure it stays that way. The less Test cricket they watch, the less they will know what they are missing. It's like what Coca Cola and Pepsi are looking to do ... replace the goodness of natural water with the manufactured crappiness of sugared chemicals.

If you make water easily available and affordable, nobody will want the toxic crap dished out by cola companies. But intoxication is addictive. My cricket is the cola of the cricket world."

Stunned by the marketing genius of Lalit Modi, we trooped out of the press conference meekly sipping the free bottle of Pepsi we were given instead of the glass of water we asked for. Sure, Test cricket will hurt the IPL. But only if it can stop Pepsi. And we all know how slim the chances of that happening are.

Thank you, Australia

Last night's rout of the Indians by Pup's Aussies just goes to show that a few wins here and there don't make a champion side. The loss will serve as a welcome reminder to all the people who thought India was good enough to topple the Aussies from their perch as the number 1 side in world cricket.

Much like the Indian stock markets that, finally, came crashing down last week, this wake-up call at the MCG is a welcome relief from the unbridled optimism that was engulfing Indian cricket fans around the world. The Australians needed the Perth loss to wake them up. Here's hoping the Indians have learned something from their non-performance at the MCG.

And if they haven't, allow us to enlighten them. You have to win consistently to harbour any hopes of being spoken off in the same league as the Aussies. Until then, you won't be much more than occasional pretenders to the throne. India must celebrate the T20 rout handed out to them at the MCG.

Weekly speaking

Business as usual for the Windies: it's a measure of how low the once-mighty windies have sunk that the prefix 'once mighty' now seems like little more than a very distant memory. after yet another abject surrender by an innings and some runs - this time to the south africans - you wonder whether the windies will ever regain their place closer to the top of the cricketing ladder. (not, if you ask us.) with shiv chanderpaul, for once, contributing next to nothing in the first innings and being unable to bat in the second due to illness, the gulf between the clinical south africans and the incompetent tourists transformed itself into an ocean, which the islanders from the caribbean couldn't come even close to navigating. how the south africans contrived to lose the first test of the ongoing series to this bunch of no-hopers is a mystery we'll never get to the bottom of. then again, i suppose we should thank our stars for that. if nothing else, it made the first three tests of the series just that bit more engaging for the people following it; and a little more worthwhile for the people who run cricket nowadays - the advertisers.

Monkey v/s Bastard: the people that decide these things in the hallowed portals of the icc are going to find it very hard to convince the people who worship a 'monkey god' that calling someone a simian is racist. but call an indian a 'bastard' and you've probably hit him where it hurts the most. you see, the majority of indians are overly sensitive about their parentage and morality. almost anywhere you go in india - including the most forward-thinking parts - a child born to unmarried parents is frowned upon and ostracized. (assuming such a child is allowed to be born at all.) so if the aussies are going to insist on making an issue out of harbhajan calling andrew symonds a monkey, the indians are going to get pretty medieval about this latest fracas and make hogg pay for calling them 'bastards'. (god knows, they're not good enough to make these aussies pay on the field.) that the aussies chose to go the whole hog and do everything within their power to make harbhajan pay for taking the monkey out of symonds - despite having won a test they had as good as lost on the first day itself - is a reflection of how strained the relations are between the two teams. if the men from down under had even an iota of grace, they would have savoured their 'assisted' victory in the second test at sydney and not tried to rub salt into the wounds of the already smarting indians by getting harbhajan banned. after this, for many indians, australia is likely to be the new pakistan.

Advertisers bat for Yuvraj: seeing that their young, marketable star has proved to be totally incapable of making any runs in australia - even against a second string attack - a consortium of advertisers have contacted the indian team management and requested that they be allowed to bat for him. the ever-studious but no-longer bespectacled indian skipper quietly informed them that batting for yuvraj involved a lot more than just putting pressure on the the management to juggle the team around the needs of their star. it required playing responsibly, delivering when the chips are down, keeping one's head firmly planted on one's shoulder, making a significant contribution in any which way possible and not descending into an almighty sulk at the drop of a hat. suitably chastised, the consortium withdrew their support for yuvraj and thanked their stars for the 'racism' controversy that had kept the audiences glued to their television screens. (even though, the outclassed indian team hadn't.) last we heard, the very same consortium had placed a punt on sehwag coming good in the perth test. not a bad gamble, we think, when you consider that the likes of nathan astle and lou vincent - slashers with minimal footwork and similarly questionable technique - have done well in the past on the bouncy waca wicket.

Footnote: our team for the third test against australia is sehwag, jaffer, laxman, sachin, sourav, dravid, dhoni, kumble, pathan, rp singh, ishant sharma. we're also, unlike most of the official mouthpieces, quite certain the indians will not lose at perth. that's assuming billy bowden and asad rauf don't do a bucknor and benson on them. let the game begin.

Weekly speaking

Sehwag curses his luck: not given an opportunity to cash in on the good batting wickets at mcg and scg, sehwag looks set to replace yuvraj in the third test match at the dreaded waca, perth. not unnaturally, it is believed sehwag isn't overly pleased at being asked to save his floundering career as a test batsman on a surface best suited to the needs of the already formidable hosts. from the looks of it, falling for naught and failing india at the scg might well be one of the smarter things yuvi has done to save his already horribly exposed abilities as a test batsman from being ripped to shreds at the waca. the pasting that the indians are likely to be handed at the waca will make yuvi's supporters quickly forget how poorly he has played in the two tests so far and give fresh legs to the clamour for his re-inclusion in the side at the expense of someone less flamboyant, less tv-friendly, but more valuable than the white elephant that yuvi has so far proved to be.

Goliath steamrolls Davids: the about 40 ft tall Jacob Oram and the rest of the black caps beat bangladesh in the first test match of the latter's tour of new zealand. the minnows from south asia, once again, showed only fleeting glimpses of the talent they possess in their ranks. the sooner bangladesh learn to play as a team, the lesser they'll have to depend on the likes of tamim iqbal and ashraful to give them something to shout about in lost causes. sounds awfully similar to what we say about other south asian teams, doesn't it?

West Indies flatter to deceive: save the celebrations. reports of the much awaited revival of cricket in the land of the calypso were overestimated. after sealing their first victory over a major test playing nation in many years, the mercurial cricketers from the caribbean went back to their profligate ways and promptly handed over the next match in the series to the south africans on the proverbial platter. shiv chanderpaul, though, continued in his run-scoring ways notching up what seemed like his rightful fifty in as many visits to the crease. while the rest of his team accumulated yet another depressing loss.

India continue fourth innings jinx: not only do the indians have trouble dismissing opposition batsman in the third and fourth innings of a match, they also seem hard-pressed to bat through any length of it. irrespective of some of the most incompetent umpiring seen in recent times that shut india out of the match from day 1 itself, any team that thinks it can afford to jeopardise the form of their top overseas' batsman for the benefit of an odi show-pony deserves to find itself in the pickle india is in against these mighty australians. this test series is quickly turning into a series of what-ifs. what if, the indians had built on the first day of this series. what if india hadn't opened with rahul dravid. what if india hadn't bent over backwards for yuvraj. what if india hadn't made the mistake of breaking up a successful opening combination that had worked for them overseas. what if benson had given ponting on the first morning before he gave him. what if bucknor had given symonds on the first morning. what if sachin hadn't let india down again. what if more of kumble's men had played like the diehard champion he is - and his team most definitely isn't.

Cricket Quotas

after the usual reactions to india's usual defeat against australia in the first test at melbourne, it's time for the business of the unusual. naturally, the person we first contacted for a take on what exactly transpired after the dream of the first day had passed was rahul dravid who, quite understandably, was not in a particularly chatty mood. and so, we quite inexplicably, left it at that.

dazed and confused by our reluctance to push the envelope and push the gent in the eye of the storm for a juicy quota, we stumbled into the path of anil kumble who was just as stunned and confused by the reluctance of his batsmen to push the aussies.

by the time we were able to rouse ourselves and our dictaphone to get a juicy quota from the stunned indian captain, he had turned his back and was making his way to the practice wickets for what looked like a spot of batting. poor fellow, we thought, not only does he have to take most of the wickets, he now has to also make the runs for his team.

a few metres away from where stood anil kumble, we spotted a bright light. drawn to it like a persistent journalist is to a low-hanging quota, we made our way towards the mysterious glow, which turned out to be brett lee's million-watt smile. we stopped and looked at him hopefully. he seemed in an obliging mood. we walked up to him, optimistically.

running around the munificent trees that line the beautiful streets of melbourne avenue, he warbled a sequence of polite noises that showcased his bollywood overtures more than any worthwhile quota for your benefit.

knowing better than to offend the filmy star-in-the-making, we masked our acute disappointment at his efforts and journeyed back to the days when we used to masterfully lyp-sync repetitive ditties of deceptive simplicity for the benefit of our doting fans who worshipped us like the twinkle-toed star we used to be.

our conversation with our not-so-distant past was interrupted by a loud, loud snore. we turned to where the intrusive noise was coming from and espied the indian think tank fast asleep in a corner of the playing field. finally, it all made sense. not much more needed to be said. give or take the summary quota. and so, here it comes: "Happy New Year" to everyone from everyone.

we'll be back with a fresh set of quotas after the sydney test. until then, you might want to practice your batting skills. especially, against the moving ball. who knows, very soon, you could well be called upon to assist the beleaguered indian captain and asked to open the innings. god knows, yuvraj won't.

India thrash India

dravid is thinking, "why should someone like me who has played the game at the highest level for over a decade be made to open the batting to accommodate a young turk who hasn't done enough to prove himself in test cricket?"

yuvraj is thinking, "how on earth am i going to prove myself as a test cricketer if i'm not given a fair chance to play enough of it, and why is my place in the side being questioned after i have made 169 in my last knock?"

dravid is thinking, "first, they got rid of greg chappell. now, they're trying to pack me off. this team didn't support me when i was captain. and forcing me to open the batting is the selection committee's way of spelling finis to my career as a batsman. come what may, i'm going to make sure i prove them all wrong."

yuvraj is thinking, "it's bad enough that we're playing the best team in the world in their own backyard. worse, people in my own team won't let me have the peace of mind required to do a good job. damn these old fogeys. why can't they just retire and let us young guns take over."

kumble is thinking, "if i support dravid's reluctance to open the batting, they'll say i'm pandering to the whims and fancies of an old friend and someone from my state. considering that i've been given the captaincy after so long, the one thing i must not blot my copybook with is to be seen as partial leader. even if it means being unfair to dravid."

sehwag is thinking, "why did they bring me to australia?"

munaf patel is thinking, "i hope they don't call me to australia. i certainly can't see myself going head-to-head with the likes of the fearsome hayden."

the bowlers are thinking, "why do they pay these batsmen so much more than us. every time we go abroad, they fail to give us the totals we need to bowl the opposition out twice. and yet, we, more often than not, do a better job than them. frankly, we're sick and tired of being treated as second-class citizens."

the australians are thinking, "do we really need to beat these guys? they seem pretty messed up in their heads to beat themselves."

and we're thinking how did a test match that started so well for the indians end up in a most demoralizing loss? (as an after-thought, we're also thinking we shouldn't really be surprised with the way things turned out.)

people who don't want to open the batting will never be able to excel at it; it's a hard enough task to master without having to also answer to the questions posed by the demons in one's own mind. india did not lose this match because they didn't possess the requisite skills to put it across australia. they lost the match because their batsmen weren't properly focused on the job.

cricket, in recent times, may well have evolved into a game dominated by the willow-wielders. but there are still a few things that make life as a bowler fairly encouraging. for instance, a bowler doesn't have to pay as dearly as a batsman for a momentary lapse in concentration. he can simply put it out of his mind and come back with a better delivery. and another one. and another one.

not something a batsmen has the benefit of.

if a batsman takes his eye off the ball for one second, it can mean curtains for him. and we saw it happening time and again to the indians in this test match - batsmen spending time in the middle, getting their eye in, playing well and then throwing it all away with a poor stroke brought about by a wandering mind.

of course the australians batted bowled and fielded much, much better than the indians. which is one of reasons they won the match by such a massive margin. but there's a bigger reason the aussies managed to do what they did to india: india.

on day one - perhaps the only day of the test match that the indians were totally committed to the task on hand - the aussies were packed off for their lowest first innings total in not-so-recent times. the indians need to go back and think about what they thought right on the first day. and, come sydney, they must make sure they aren't wasting their time thinking about all the things that got in their way on day 2 of the match.

it is our considered view that the indians were, first, beaten by the indians. and only then did they lose to australia. sounds familiar, doesn't it?

Cricket Quotas

fosters in hand (thank you for the cheque, fosters), sony dictaphone in the other, we walked into the football-stadium-sized dressing room that kumble described in his column with a well-known paper we'll never be sober enough to write for. who needs them? we're here. only because only we can get you the best cricket quotas in the universe. straight from the players who won't know we've been there listening to them and having imaginary conversations that lead to them spilling the beans because nobody ever aknowledges us. good. it helps when you want the best cricket quotas to be that way, in nobody's way. so, let's see what we got from the gang on the eve of the boxing day match.

"it's not like we're confused even though we may be so what if we don't know who's going to open the batting for us we know who it ain't going to be and that's not a bad place to start seeing that we're so confused. you want to open the batting?" beleaguered captain kumble still looking for an opening batsman to parter wasim jaffer. we politely declined citing our important job of delivering the freshest news to our devoted audience.

"all i need is one good innings to find my touch. though, i think dravid's the best guy to open with jaffer. bumping into virender sehwag and his bowling machine...perhaps the only bowler in the world of cricket who still hasn't figured out the way to dismiss him.

"it's not like i have a problem opening the batting for india. i just don't fucking dammit bastards don't want to do it! why the fuck should i be the fall guy after being the best fuckking batsman in the fucking side!" too petrified to wait and apologise to rahul dravid for bumping into him and who seemed a bit miffed with being, again, thrust the onerous task of opening the fucking indian batting...erm, apologies. we...kinda...sorta...feel for the senior pro.

"how do i look? you think they'll make me captain soon? did you say the way i hit my off-drives in that innings of 169? i looked so good enough for a double hundred, didn't i? how do i look? i think i'll go in at 6...no...5...no, 6. never mind. i'll make up mah mind on the day of the match. yeah, tomorrow." yuvraj doing a shoaib akhtar while waiting for his god-given place in the indian middle order. just then, from the corner of our eye we see dravid walking very quickly towards yuvi. contemplating the possibilities of a juicy exchange of quotas, we retired - not yet hurt - to a corner of the dressing room the size of a football field waiting for the explosion to happen and the hurt to follow.

some silent minutes later: it really was an extrvagantly endowed dressing room the size of a footy field with a corner so far that we were unable to hear anything at all of the spat that took place between yuvi and rahul. we did though hear the sms we recieved on our good old motorazr (thank you moto for the cheque) from kumble saying he was very disappointed with us for having hurriedly declined his gracious offer of a place in the indian side as an opening batsman. so disappointed in fact that he had decided to take matters into his own hands and partner jaffer at the top of the order.

yuvi, meanwhile, is getting used to doing a shoaib akhtar. rahul is waiting for yuvi to decide so that yuvi doesn't come after his own place in the batting order. sachin is practicing batting better in the 90s. dhoni, looking assured as ever, is drinking milk, eating biscuits and dreaming of his honey. then there's an australian guy sitting in the corner of the football-field-sized dressing room - but of course beer in hand - painting the scene. sure that his masterpeice would show up on channel 9 to be hawked as limited edition cricketobelia, we proceeded to invest the next few minutes of our time into painting a sign. see you, tomorrow morning. look out for a wild-eyed guy holding up a beer and a hand-painted, limited edition, up-for-sale signboard that says, what else, "please read TPR".

Listen up, Yuvi

we've had enough of your tantrums. yes, you're good. yes, you deserve to find a place in the test side. yes, your father must be appeased. yes, you might even become the living legend. but for that, you're going to have to work just a wee bit harder. you might be the best odi batsman in the indian side but that doesn't make you good enough to displace one of the best batsman india have ever had from his place in the batting order. a senior player like dravid cannot be shunted around like this. you, yuvi, need to earn your stripes. you, yuvi, need to take responsbility. you, yuvi, might well be in line for an out-of-turn promotion. you, yuvi, need to pay attention to us. and you, dear reader, must send this out to seven people after we're done. and before the boxing day test match. for this massively important missive must reach yuvi. and now, in the interest of narrative complexity and the need for greater authority, we shall switch in and out of third person. yes, yuvi deserves a place in the boxing day side. but he must be tested sternly for it. we must respect the reluctance of dravid to open the batting. consider how insulting dravid must find our disregard for his unarguable stature as one of the best india has ever produced. a bitterer and sullener dravid could be disastrous to india's chances in the series. yuvi, you don't want to be responsible for that. what you want to be is more responsible. you want to open the batting. you want to shelter a nervous sehwag and give him one more test to get used to being back in the scheme of things. you want to show the team that you're ready to don, with dhoni, the mantle of the future face of indian cricket. you want to send a signal out to dravid that you are ready to take over from him. you want to quietly remind sachin you are doing something even sachin won't do. besides, opening the batting for india in this time of crisis will send a much-needed message to your detractors. the ones that think you're immature. spoiled. pampered. tantrum prone. too big for your boots. and have the temerity to try and push rahul 'the untouchable' dravid around. you're young. you're strong. you're a demi-god. you're adonis. you're the crown price of indian cricket. you're yuvraj. you can do anything. yes, even open the batting for india. and clatter the bowling. the bowling will be fast. you can be furious. there'll be yawning gaps in the field. you can shred them to bits. the aussie dingos will be snapping at your heels. you can leave them in your wake. the gods will be on your side. you can become one of them. we're certain you'll emerge with flying colours. and if you don't, you have nothing to lose. and much to gain from the experience. the admiration of your beleageared team members and the blue billion. the sigh of relief from an out of fuel, think tank. the fawning articles of praise the highly regarded mouthpieces of the world will write extolling your act of great bravery and selflessness. the knowledge that you have crossed an important milestone in your development as a test player, team man and leader. that you've done your father proud. do it. open the batting. grow up.

PS: please keep this appeal going. pass it on to seven people you know and so on and on that it eventually reaches yuvi. (it's the only way anything we say ever will.) every seven people you send it to will get you closer to millions of dollars of unclaimed funds lying in frozen bank accounts in nigeria.

And the unaward goes to...

welcome to the first edition of the pitch report christmas unawards (PRCU), an annual feature that's likely to cause about as much of a stir as the news of another cloudy day in london.

THE JONTY RHODES FIELDING PERFORMANCE OF THE YEAR UNAWARD
few teams have worked harder than pakistan to lower the standards of fielding in world cricket. nothing epitomized this better than their performance in the just concluded series against india, in which pakistan came to the party with one and a half bowlers, a handful of batsmen and 11 fumblers.

THE 'LOOK AT ME' UNAWARD FOR STYLE MINUS SUBSTANCE
should it be ravi shastri for his testosterone addled attitude? should be dilip vengsarkar for his petulance? should it be daryl hair for his self-righteous manner? perhaps it should be daryl hair for his stand-out services to the cause of cricket umpiring. not. there was one man who called more attention to himself than even hair. (no, not rameez raja and his hair.) for providing us with an unending supply of newsworthy stories and for drawing more attention to himself than a peacock in heat, the honour goes to shoaib akhtar.

SOUR GRAPES UNAWARD OF THE YEAR
to shane warne for not giving adam gilchrist his due in his list of top 50 cricketers of his generation. all because the aussie selectors overlooked warne for not just the captaincy but also the vice-captaincy of the australian side.

TEAM OF THE YEAR
to the once-mighty west indies for continuing to enrich world cricket with the one quality so essential for great entertainment: tragedy. as we all know, there can be no drama, no excitement and nothing to lament about without a great tragedy.

THE TOKEN CRICKET UNAWARD FOR WOMEN
mandira bedi for proving, once again, that men will be men and women will be decorative pieces.

THE JOHN BUCHANNAN UNAWARD
handed out to people who have performed outstandingly in their role as coach, the john buchannan unaward for the year goes to john bracewell and greg chappell for proving to be even less useful than a transportation vehicle to their respective teams.

COMEBACK OF THE YEAR
this unaward goes to the just-recovered munaf patel for being asked to go back to domestic cricket so that he may work hard enough of his fitness and make yet another comeback next year.

THE GHOST UNAWARD FOR SERVICES TO CRICKET LITERATURE
to all the cricket writers of the world that the players strenuously insist they never read but make it a point to cultivate to get puff pieces written about them.

THE AUSSIE LEE UNAWARD FOR BEST BRAWL
to the australian team that was waiting eagerly for sreesanth only to find out that the speedster has been ruled out of the tour down under on account of injury.

THE HARRY HOUDINI UNAWARD FOR GREATEST ESCAPE
to the indian team for having managed to come away from the test series against pakistan without a 3-0 result in their favour; despite the pakistanis doing everything they could to make things easy for india.

AND FINALLY, THE SIDESHOW JOHNNY LEVER UNAWARD FOR MAKING UP THE NUMBERS
all the teams in world cricket that line up for their turn at being thrashed by the aussies.

Cricket Quotas

so we're back from an invigorating whistle-stop tour to the far corners of the earth. and what do we have to show for our travails? what else, but yet another set of cricket quotas from the people who don't know how to keep their mouths shut when they ought to. for if anyone wants their innermost thoughts to be aired for the benefit of nobody at all, all they need to do is drop their gourd...sorry, guard in our presence.

from post-bangalore test reactions to pre-india down under bluster, we have it all for the benefit of you, dear readers. cooked up with a generous pinch of salt guaranteed to make your blood pressure shoot up to stratospheric levels.

"if i had jaggu dalmiya and the rest of the selectors under my thumb, i'd have achieved much more as a captain." sachin tendulkar giving a fitting riposte to sourav's whine about how much more he might have achieved had he batted higher up the order in tests.

"if i had not become complacent i'd have achieved much more as a cricketer." sourav ganguly, as is his wont, letting his guard down now that he has booked his place in the indian team for another year.

"if i had not become chappell's captain i'd still be the captain of india." rahul dravid in a reflective mood after the indo-pak series.

"it's my turn to prove chappell wrong." virender sehwag in an optimistic mood after being picked for the tour of australia.

"i'm sorry, but i'm not fit to answer that question." munaf patel being munaf patel in the face of the demands being placed on him as an international cricketer.

"i'm sorry, but i won't answer that question until the camera is turned towards me." shoaib akhtar being shahrukh khan.

"i was told that i have a shoulder injury. i'm still trying to find it." gautam gambhir's reaction when asked for a reaction on being left out for the tour of australia.

"i'm really happy to have made the cut for the trip to australia." left-arm spinner murali kartik showing off his googly and dismissing us with his plans for the tour of australia, as a commentator.

"we're thinking of asking braces to pad up and face tait." daniel vettori on how new zealand plan to counter the pace of an enraged tait and a hare-brained john bracewell.

"it's disgusting that someone is trying to do to tait what we have all along been doing to murali." ricky ponting reacting to the questions being raised about tait's action.

"look at me." rameez raja to rameez raja when he isn't with other people.

"look at me." rameez raja when he is with other people.

"i'm going to find myself a godfather and ask him to improve his bowling." indian medium pacer, ranadeb bose on how he plans to improve his bowling skills, and make it back into the indian team.

"my target is to get fit enough and bowl faster than anil kumble." the rapidly slowing munaf patel on how he plans to resurrect his floundering career.

"i'd be quite willing to captain the test side." the ever-entertaining younis khan once again declining to be captain of the pakistani cricket team.

and with that, we come to an end to this round of cricket quotas. we'll be back sooner than a cloudburst with more from the only program that gives you all the news that doesn't make the news.

Modi bats for Parthiv

under intense pressure from a host of political opponents and the press for exhibiting dictatorial tendencies, the gujarat chief minister and chief goonda, narendra modi has, in a masterstroke that is sure to put his detractors on the backfoot, jumped onto the cricket bandwagon.

after being repeatedly accused of displaying a marked tendency towards megalomania of the kind that the late, not-so-great india...we mean indira's congress used to specialise in with the 'india is indira and indira is india' statements, the chief goonda of one of india's most communally sensitive states has come out with his strongest rebuff, yet, to his crickets...err, we mean critics.

seeing that his election campaign for control over the state of gujarat was in dire need of a fresh impetus, modi - obviously taking a leaf out of king 'abs' khan's promotional book - has come out strongly in support of the 'select parthiv patel for the indian team' brigade and launched the 'parthiv is gujarat' (PIG) foundation.

"the PIG foundation's is an uncharitable trust whose role will be to bring to the notice of the selectors the the injustices being meted out to all the fine cricketers from my gujarat." he said. when asked why parthiv and other cricketers from 'his gujarat' were, in 'his opinion', being discriminated against, he said, "you journalists never talk about the good things that are taking place in the state of gujarat. the development projects, the health-care initiatives, the industrialisation, the performances of parthiv patel...none of these things make any difference to you. all you want to do is criticise me and my gujarat."

not quite sure how to react to this unrelated tirade in response to what we thought was a fairly innocuous question, we scurried off to locate parthiv patel and find out what the baby-faced stumper had to say about the PIG foundation.

stumped by this latest show of support from the chief minister of his state, parthiv reiterated that his job was to keep performing and leave the rest to the advertisers...erm, selectors. stifling the instinct to yawn, we soldiered on in pursuit of a more newsworthy quote. obligingly enough, the former india wicket-keeper batsman added that he also hoped the always innovative australians would suggest yet another way to enliven test cricket by sending out four opening batsman to kick off every innings of a test match - as that was the most likely way he saw himself making a comeback to an indian team in which the only vacant slots were at the top of the batting order.

wondering what the people of gujarat were smoking to be able to conjure up such wonderfully outlandish thoughts we walked into munaf patel, half-heartedly holding up a placard that said 'Mr. Modi, Munaf is Parthiv!' carelessly oblivious to the possible ramifications of attempting to get to the bottom of this, we looked askance at munaf only to discover that he was, yet again, unfit to answer to any of the demands placed on him.

relieved to not have been assaulted by yet another round of gujarati logic but at the same time determined to get to the bottom of this matter, we went back to the man who claimed to know the pulse of every gujarati in the world. "it's quite elementary, my friend. munaf is a patel. parthiv is a patel. and so munaf is parthiv." realising - most likely from the expression on our face - that we weren't following any of this, he triumphantly added, "see, only a gujarati will understand these matters and that is why i am gujarat!" concluded a smug-faced mr. modi.

reminding ourselves that in future we must restrict ourselves to quizzing mr. modi about development, industrialisation and healthcare, we checked our cellphone for any messages from the various stars clamouring to share their thoughts with us on various matters of earth-shaking impotence. (for the uninitiated, that's gujarati for importance.)

not surprisingly, there was one, more, from king 'abs' khan. demonstrating a remarkable mastery over the intricate goings-on in world cricket, geopolitics and modern history, his message to us said, "the easiest way for parthiv to get back into international cricket is to re-invent himself as a fast-bowler and move to pakistan. after all, many a patel is from pakistan. call me. i want to talk cricket. and promote my next film."

Proposed SAARC meet to discuss wickets

in a move clearly aimed at restoring relevance to an august institution of regional development that has had nothing significant to do since the time of its inception, the south asian association for regional co-operation (SAARC) has called for an urgent meeting to discuss the state of the wickets in the sub-continent.

the BCCI has reacted to this newest challenge to its hegemony by launching the south asian association for regional non-cooperation (SAARNC) and, furthermore, banning anyone who decides to play for SAARC. on being politely informed that SAARC was not a new cricket league but, rather, another group of self-serving individuals with nothing better to do than...well, non-cooperate, the BCCI swiftly revoked the ban, instantly dissolved the still-unborn SAARNC and decided to reach out to the SAARC on common grounds.

in another related development, bollywood has issued a statement wholeheartedly supporting this coming together of SAARC and the BCCI because it firmly believes that without lively wickets, cricket becomes a dull sport, which means fewer opportunities for their own stars to advertise their set of wares to a captured audience. shahrukh khan, in particular, has requested that he be allowed to attend the SAARC-BCCI summit meeting so that he may promote his most newly developed body part. it is believed that the BCCI and SAARC have politely discouraged him from doing so because they feel his presence will hamper their continued efforts to do nothing at all.

meanwhile, the south asian wickets curators association (SAWCA) have requested that they be sent the minutes of this most important summit meeting. simultaneously, they have also promised to constitute a sitting committee on the matter to ponder the future course of inaction.

the parties most affected by the state of the wickets in the sub-continent, the players, are adopting a wait and watch attitude to these latest developments in the hub of cricket. off the record, though, the batsmen are believed to be somewhat unhappy because it promises to change - for the worse - the one part of the world they could safely pad their batting averages in. the bowlers,on the other hand, are thought to be enthusiastically pessimistic about these latest round of initiatives because they know full well nothing much will come out of it.

but the last word on this matter must go to the dodos who have forwarded an ever-growing list of extinct species to all the parties concerned with the promotion of good cricket, urging them to consider using analogies other than 'dead as a dodo' to describe the state of wickets. misinformed sources tell us that the shirt-makers of the world (SOTW), too, are considering sending in a similar petition to combat the preponderance of the 'flat as a shirt-front' comparison.

finally, in another opportunistic attempt to promote himself, shahrukh khan has urged the BCCI, SAARC and the highly clannish association of cricket editors and writers (HCACEW) to seriously consider the use of the metaphor 'this is a wicket that's as flat as king khan's abs' to solve the dodo and the SOTW's problem. last we heard, the members of the BCCI and SAARC - wholly in keeping with their illustrious record - have postponed the proposed meet until people cease to further notice.

Australia pick Sreesanth

in another round of the targetting the australians are so fond of indulging in before any series, they announced they would be going after the aggressive indian speedster in the coming series. (only not much later than a malfunctioning alarm did it dawn on us what they really meant by this.)

when the hosts were gently informed that sreesanth wouldn't be gracing their shores with his presence on account of an injury, they were most upset but quickly recovered and responded to this unexpected googly from the indian think by swiftly embarking upon the unprecedented step of inviting sreesanth to join the australian team. (perhaps in retaliation to the bcci's move to buy out their mercenaries...erm, players for the ipl.)

flummoxed but never hastily dismissive of anything australian, we wondered what the not-so-obvious agenda behind this radical step might be. and that's why we contacted their mole in the indian camp.

"oh, if you ask me that fella buchy is behind all this. after his latest idea of letting australian players play in teams from other countries to help make for a more level cricket playing field was firmly dispatched to beyond the boundaries of the ridiculous (only to be replaced with australian players selling their souls to the ipl), this must be his way of weakening the australian team and subtly levelling the playing field, which, happily enough, also makes for better tv rating points and higher sales of bizarre australian cricketing memorabilia. basically, once the world realises how much more entertaining this business of mixed teams is, they'll understand this is the way forward for cricket."

noticing that the mole was getting overly attached to his own enlightened spin on all things and overlooking simple facts like john buchanan was no longer the coach of the australian team, we thought it best to make for the door and save ourselves any more of this mental disintegration. on our way out, the mole rushed towards us and thrust a business card in our hands. it said, 'Greg Chappell, MBE, VEC, Very Emotional Coach.'

we looked at the respected gent and waited for one of his famous parting shots. he didn't disappoint. shooting from the hip, he said, "has sourav been taking batting lessons from gary?"

not feeling quite right about walking out on a man who was suddenly playing misty-eyed on us, we called upon all the reserves of compassion we weren't in the least bit aware we had in such abundance and asked him, "the seniors are going to retire soon. do you think you'll ever go back to coaching the indian cricket team?"

to which, smiled and said, greg chappell, MBE, VEC, "now you know why i came back to coach the lalit modi's state team."

Cricket Quotas

and we're back sooner than a premature ejaculation with another edition of cricket quotas. this time, it's from our tripping around with the indian team after their moral loss to pakistan in eden. the clinically described 'studious looking' captain first.

"i'm xyz/m+n% certain that there's absolutely no such thing as a moral victory."
when asked to comment on murali's world record.

"i'm xyz/m+n% certain that there's absolutely no such thing as a moral victory."
when asked to comment on harbhajan's 5-wicket haul.

"i'm xyz/m+n% certain that there's absolutely no such thing as a moral victory."
when not asked anything at all!

"how do i look?"
ramiz raja, asking people even when nobody is there to ask.

"what did my fellow commentator say?"
siva, when asked for a comment on the eden test.

"what did the women say?"
shaz, when asked for a comment on the eden test.

"i'm putting in my papers!"
'look at me' vengsarkar, when asked for a comment on the eden test.

"arre, bangalore is my hometown. we have nothing to worry. i'm xyz/m+n% certain that there's absolutely no such thing... "
reverting back to his motivational mantra...we scooted before kumble could finish; wondering why we bothered at all. and then we spotted looking quite dapper and unapproachable. and so, the hardworking stringer that we most truly are, we approached him.

"don't bother me. people are looking at me!"
'look at me' lara, when asked for a comment on the eden test.

by now we were utterly confounded by the number of people we were being urged to look at and so proceeded to abandon our quest for any further quotas from the 'look at me brigade', only to fall into the wily arms of 'don't look at me' sharad pawar staring down at us. this is what he had to say on the eden test.

"tell vengsarkar we have contacted his ghost writer and we know how much he pays him. it's better if he concentrates on selecting the team and accepting what we deem is right for a selector."

pleasantly surprised by this thoroughly unexpected dispensation, we ignored the foresight to look ahead of us and bumped into a frowning gent and a pale shadow of another person's former self. they turned out to be, who else, but the colonel's ghost and writer walking around with newspaper clippings containing the preposterous figures vengsarkar quotas he earns from his newspaper columns.

discreetly noting their troubled presence, dicta phone in hand bursting with quotas on just about everything except the, obviously inconsequential, eden game, we scurried away from the possibility of encountering any further quotas.

Cricket Quotas

"why don't you ask warne."
murali, when asked how it felt to break warne's world record.

"chuck it."
warne, when asked how it felt to be broken by murali.

"i'm saving myself for the icl."
jayasuria, when asked to comment on murali's world record.

"the fucking terrorist got another wicket!"
deano jones, when asked to comment on murali's world record.

"stay invested."
pc chidambaram, when asked to comment on murali's world record.

"murali is not the terrorist who has invested large sums in the indian stock market. but he is an assassin."
cricket fan, word player and indian finance minister, pc chidamabaram, when asked to comment on murali's world record.

"how do i look?"
ramiz raja, when asked to comment on murali's world record.

"how do i look?"
shahid afridi, when asked to comment on murali's world record.

"how do i look?"
shoaib akthar when asked to comment on murali's world record.

"look at me!"
greg chappell, when asked to comment on murali's world record.

and finally, it's only fair that we give the last word to the new world champion bowler muthiah muralitharan, "why don't you ask warne."

Misbah-ul-Haq to Captain Pakistan

after younis khan declined to be, even, the makeshift captain for the third test, despot dictator general mushy stepped in to solve this latest crisis and appointed misbah-ul-haq as emergency skipper. in a very brief follow up address to the nation he barked, "in pakistan emergency is the answer to all crises."

immediately after, the vastly experienced cricket scholar, dr. shahid afridi added that misbah-ul-haq will have to be more aggressive as a captain. when the respected pundit was reminded that this is exactly what he had said to the former skipper, dr. shahid afridi promised to be more aggressive in his next set of statements.

in his first press conference after the appointment, captain misbah appointed sami as his vice-captain. he said, "sami is the one guy i have spent the most time with. i trust he will return the sentiment." in his first press conference after his appointment, sami flicked back his lustrous locks and politely returned the favour. it is believed the newly appointed captain misbah - being so used to doing everything to save pakistan - is considering taking on the responsibility of the vice captaincy too.

on the flight back to australia geoff lawson, the former coach of pakistan, said he had learned a lot during his stint with the pakistani team. when pushed for a quote, he said he had learned to keep his mouth shut.

in his second press conference after being made skipper, misbah-ul-haq cited family commitments meant that he regretfully wouldn't be able to take over the additional privilege of captaining pakistan. seeing that the next in line for the job would, logically speaking, be the vice captain, general mushy, fighting back tears, invited the vice captain misbah-ul-haq to take over from captain misbah-ul-haq as captain of pakistan. vice-captain misbah-ul-haq has asked for some time to consider the offer.

on that gripping note about the behind-the-scenes happenings from the world of crocket, this is tpr signing off with wink and a smile.

BCCI commissions 'Guru Gary'

it never fails to amuse us how many times we're presented with the opportunity to say 'we told you so'. and so, repeatedly amused, we'll say this, again, we told you so.

it has come to our considered notice that certain people of considerable power in the bcci are asking certain other people who are not 'in' the bcci to come up with a suitable response to that hurtful piece of emotional drivel guru 'the not-so-great' greg okayed in the equally not-so-great documentary titled 'guru greg'.

these certain people in the bcci, who are believed to be the very secretive and invisible readers of tpr, swiftly cottoned in on how popular the term 'guru gary' is likely to become and so to make the most of the advertising revenues that will accrue from this imminent spike in the google-wordiness of 'guru gary', they have decided to produce a reality show in which the transparent process of choosing guru gary will be aired like dirty laundry in 13 equal episodes.

the participants of the already documented show were of course not aware that they were being recorded. which makes us more certain than the likelihood of another selectorial snafu that the bcci has a surefire hit on her hands. (no, no. it is only fair that tpr gets no partake of it.)

out in the blue corner - in what we suspect is a shrewd move to welcome the man whose job he nearly killed to have - guru greg is believed to have initiated hectic parleys with the assistance of the dashing, ambitious and scheming lalit modi to corner all the media noise and once-again reiterate that what he would like most is to be left alone.