If you do drugs, do it the Indian way

There have been many well-known instances of cricketers from around the world getting caught with drugs. Oddly enough, all the players involved were from parts of the cricket world not including India. Which begs the question: What is it about Indian cricketers that immunizes them from the undeniable pull of recreational drugs?

On the face of it, it might seem like Indian cricketers are more responsible than their foreign counterparts? Not. If you consider the way they play, when it comes to shot selection and hare-brained decision-making on the cricket field, Indian cricketers are up there with the best of the worst. Let alone jog, you don’t even have to walk yourself down memory to come up with innumerable instances of Indian cricketers gifting away the match to the opposition on the back of something silly and uncalled for. The most recent case in point being … well … umm … heh, there aren’t that many that come to mind right away, but that doesn’t mean Indian players behave all that grown up on the cricket field. (Just Ask Mukul Kesevan, who has devoted an essay in his very engaging ‘Men in white’ to the kind of ‘boy’ he thinks an Indian cricketer is.)

Books, theories and past records apart, it would take a very brave fan to consistently bet on the chances of an Indian team closing out matches with the kind of assurance and certainty we’ve come to expect from say, the Australians. And yet, these very same, responsible, dependable, rock-solid Australian cricketers have been hauled up for immature, irresponsible and indulgent acts of drug abuse. Not – as one might have expected – irresponsible, immature and indulgent Indian cricketers.

Perhaps the social milieu that Indian cricketers come from makes them well aware of the prudish hostility with which drug ‘toking’ is viewed in ‘upwardly mobile’ country that is today India. Make no mistake, Indian cricketers will proudly abuse prescribed drugs like music, movies, liquor, clothes, credit cards, cars, women and the like. But you can bet your last rupee they won’t be seen with recreational drugs of the taboo kind. At least, not until they are legalized. After that, all bets are off.

More so than in other cricket playing countries, a star Indian cricketer caught with drugs stands to lose too much. Because in India, more than in most other societies around the world, being successful is very important. Being seen doing the right thing is very desired. (In fact, sometimes even more important than doing the right thing.) In 21st century India, making pots of money and leading the good life – which cricketers most certainly do – is a widespread obsession. Understandably so. Indians, and many Indian cricketers, have been poor for too long.

Get caught with drugs and you stand to lose all the things that make you a shining symbol of modern India. Pot smoking and company can very swiftly send you back to experience the India that cricket helped you so swiftly transcend. Much like their countrymen, Indian cricketers … no, make that Indian cricket families are too shrewd, sneaky, ambitious, careful, materialistic, forward thinking and priggish to risk so much that’s real for something as ephemeral as a THC high.

Besides, to paraphrase a Hindi saying, ‘what will people say?’ All this to say if you’re going to do something the people will vehemently, irrationally and thoughtlessly oppose, whatever you do, don't get snagged doing it. That’s the way things that ‘can’t be done’ are done in India.

Weekly speaking

Sehwag curses his luck: not given an opportunity to cash in on the good batting wickets at mcg and scg, sehwag looks set to replace yuvraj in the third test match at the dreaded waca, perth. not unnaturally, it is believed sehwag isn't overly pleased at being asked to save his floundering career as a test batsman on a surface best suited to the needs of the already formidable hosts. from the looks of it, falling for naught and failing india at the scg might well be one of the smarter things yuvi has done to save his already horribly exposed abilities as a test batsman from being ripped to shreds at the waca. the pasting that the indians are likely to be handed at the waca will make yuvi's supporters quickly forget how poorly he has played in the two tests so far and give fresh legs to the clamour for his re-inclusion in the side at the expense of someone less flamboyant, less tv-friendly, but more valuable than the white elephant that yuvi has so far proved to be.

Goliath steamrolls Davids: the about 40 ft tall Jacob Oram and the rest of the black caps beat bangladesh in the first test match of the latter's tour of new zealand. the minnows from south asia, once again, showed only fleeting glimpses of the talent they possess in their ranks. the sooner bangladesh learn to play as a team, the lesser they'll have to depend on the likes of tamim iqbal and ashraful to give them something to shout about in lost causes. sounds awfully similar to what we say about other south asian teams, doesn't it?

West Indies flatter to deceive: save the celebrations. reports of the much awaited revival of cricket in the land of the calypso were overestimated. after sealing their first victory over a major test playing nation in many years, the mercurial cricketers from the caribbean went back to their profligate ways and promptly handed over the next match in the series to the south africans on the proverbial platter. shiv chanderpaul, though, continued in his run-scoring ways notching up what seemed like his rightful fifty in as many visits to the crease. while the rest of his team accumulated yet another depressing loss.

India continue fourth innings jinx: not only do the indians have trouble dismissing opposition batsman in the third and fourth innings of a match, they also seem hard-pressed to bat through any length of it. irrespective of some of the most incompetent umpiring seen in recent times that shut india out of the match from day 1 itself, any team that thinks it can afford to jeopardise the form of their top overseas' batsman for the benefit of an odi show-pony deserves to find itself in the pickle india is in against these mighty australians. this test series is quickly turning into a series of what-ifs. what if, the indians had built on the first day of this series. what if india hadn't opened with rahul dravid. what if india hadn't bent over backwards for yuvraj. what if india hadn't made the mistake of breaking up a successful opening combination that had worked for them overseas. what if benson had given ponting on the first morning before he gave him. what if bucknor had given symonds on the first morning. what if sachin hadn't let india down again. what if more of kumble's men had played like the diehard champion he is - and his team most definitely isn't.

India thrash India

dravid is thinking, "why should someone like me who has played the game at the highest level for over a decade be made to open the batting to accommodate a young turk who hasn't done enough to prove himself in test cricket?"

yuvraj is thinking, "how on earth am i going to prove myself as a test cricketer if i'm not given a fair chance to play enough of it, and why is my place in the side being questioned after i have made 169 in my last knock?"

dravid is thinking, "first, they got rid of greg chappell. now, they're trying to pack me off. this team didn't support me when i was captain. and forcing me to open the batting is the selection committee's way of spelling finis to my career as a batsman. come what may, i'm going to make sure i prove them all wrong."

yuvraj is thinking, "it's bad enough that we're playing the best team in the world in their own backyard. worse, people in my own team won't let me have the peace of mind required to do a good job. damn these old fogeys. why can't they just retire and let us young guns take over."

kumble is thinking, "if i support dravid's reluctance to open the batting, they'll say i'm pandering to the whims and fancies of an old friend and someone from my state. considering that i've been given the captaincy after so long, the one thing i must not blot my copybook with is to be seen as partial leader. even if it means being unfair to dravid."

sehwag is thinking, "why did they bring me to australia?"

munaf patel is thinking, "i hope they don't call me to australia. i certainly can't see myself going head-to-head with the likes of the fearsome hayden."

the bowlers are thinking, "why do they pay these batsmen so much more than us. every time we go abroad, they fail to give us the totals we need to bowl the opposition out twice. and yet, we, more often than not, do a better job than them. frankly, we're sick and tired of being treated as second-class citizens."

the australians are thinking, "do we really need to beat these guys? they seem pretty messed up in their heads to beat themselves."

and we're thinking how did a test match that started so well for the indians end up in a most demoralizing loss? (as an after-thought, we're also thinking we shouldn't really be surprised with the way things turned out.)

people who don't want to open the batting will never be able to excel at it; it's a hard enough task to master without having to also answer to the questions posed by the demons in one's own mind. india did not lose this match because they didn't possess the requisite skills to put it across australia. they lost the match because their batsmen weren't properly focused on the job.

cricket, in recent times, may well have evolved into a game dominated by the willow-wielders. but there are still a few things that make life as a bowler fairly encouraging. for instance, a bowler doesn't have to pay as dearly as a batsman for a momentary lapse in concentration. he can simply put it out of his mind and come back with a better delivery. and another one. and another one.

not something a batsmen has the benefit of.

if a batsman takes his eye off the ball for one second, it can mean curtains for him. and we saw it happening time and again to the indians in this test match - batsmen spending time in the middle, getting their eye in, playing well and then throwing it all away with a poor stroke brought about by a wandering mind.

of course the australians batted bowled and fielded much, much better than the indians. which is one of reasons they won the match by such a massive margin. but there's a bigger reason the aussies managed to do what they did to india: india.

on day one - perhaps the only day of the test match that the indians were totally committed to the task on hand - the aussies were packed off for their lowest first innings total in not-so-recent times. the indians need to go back and think about what they thought right on the first day. and, come sydney, they must make sure they aren't wasting their time thinking about all the things that got in their way on day 2 of the match.

it is our considered view that the indians were, first, beaten by the indians. and only then did they lose to australia. sounds familiar, doesn't it?

First look - Testing times for test cricket

since the general consensus among the cricket chatterati over the issue of test cricket under lights is startlingly similar to what they had to say about it in coloured clothing, one can safely ignore the 'knee-jerks' and make a little time to consider this, a marginally more considered take on the same matter.

the great thing about adding to a topic the world has already had their say on is, you pretty much know the places you don't want to go to; because someone else has already dealt with it well enough - or badly - and there's obviously little merit in doing so again. the bad thing about coming late to the party is you're not left with anything startlingly different to contribute. (unless, you happen to be us.)

happily enough for us, years of consistently going zag while everyone else goes zig means we're more than prepared for the uphill task on hand. so, here comes zag.

tpr is quite keen to see test cricket under lights. for any sport to survive, it has to make money. and test cricket is not making money. in fact, everywhere it goes, it's losing money faster than a bad gambler. indeed, cricket in whites is as sacrosanct as, for instance, the dress code at wimbledon. unfortunately for cricket, it takes about 20 times longer to complete a test match. and there's only this much of tradition that non-cricket writing people with real jobs have the time and stomach for.

when sport - the primary purpose of which is to entertain - ceases to be engaging enough, something needs to be done to rejuvenate it. which is where the australians come in.

time and again the folks from down under have proved themselves to be masters at adding oomph to cricket. had they not introduced the day/night version of the game played in coloured clothing, one day internationals wouldn't have been anything as popular as they have turned out to be. but for the culture of continuous improvement in channel 9, cricket would not have become the huge tv sport that it is today. left to the english and the traditionalists cricket would have remained the elite sport that it started out as.

darwin's theory of evolution posits that incremental change is the chosen way forward. if test cricket doesn't respond to the demands to make it commercially viable, it will, at best, be reduced to little more than a curiousity. (or, at worst, go the way of the dodo.)

happily for the proponents of change, cricket is no longer a white-collar pastime in which the elite call the shots. of course for this latest development in the world of cricket to take place, someone is first going to have to come up with a coloured ball durable enough to survive the course of a test match. or else, neither will test cricket.

And the unaward goes to...

welcome to the first edition of the pitch report christmas unawards (PRCU), an annual feature that's likely to cause about as much of a stir as the news of another cloudy day in london.

THE JONTY RHODES FIELDING PERFORMANCE OF THE YEAR UNAWARD
few teams have worked harder than pakistan to lower the standards of fielding in world cricket. nothing epitomized this better than their performance in the just concluded series against india, in which pakistan came to the party with one and a half bowlers, a handful of batsmen and 11 fumblers.

THE 'LOOK AT ME' UNAWARD FOR STYLE MINUS SUBSTANCE
should it be ravi shastri for his testosterone addled attitude? should be dilip vengsarkar for his petulance? should it be daryl hair for his self-righteous manner? perhaps it should be daryl hair for his stand-out services to the cause of cricket umpiring. not. there was one man who called more attention to himself than even hair. (no, not rameez raja and his hair.) for providing us with an unending supply of newsworthy stories and for drawing more attention to himself than a peacock in heat, the honour goes to shoaib akhtar.

SOUR GRAPES UNAWARD OF THE YEAR
to shane warne for not giving adam gilchrist his due in his list of top 50 cricketers of his generation. all because the aussie selectors overlooked warne for not just the captaincy but also the vice-captaincy of the australian side.

TEAM OF THE YEAR
to the once-mighty west indies for continuing to enrich world cricket with the one quality so essential for great entertainment: tragedy. as we all know, there can be no drama, no excitement and nothing to lament about without a great tragedy.

THE TOKEN CRICKET UNAWARD FOR WOMEN
mandira bedi for proving, once again, that men will be men and women will be decorative pieces.

THE JOHN BUCHANNAN UNAWARD
handed out to people who have performed outstandingly in their role as coach, the john buchannan unaward for the year goes to john bracewell and greg chappell for proving to be even less useful than a transportation vehicle to their respective teams.

COMEBACK OF THE YEAR
this unaward goes to the just-recovered munaf patel for being asked to go back to domestic cricket so that he may work hard enough of his fitness and make yet another comeback next year.

THE GHOST UNAWARD FOR SERVICES TO CRICKET LITERATURE
to all the cricket writers of the world that the players strenuously insist they never read but make it a point to cultivate to get puff pieces written about them.

THE AUSSIE LEE UNAWARD FOR BEST BRAWL
to the australian team that was waiting eagerly for sreesanth only to find out that the speedster has been ruled out of the tour down under on account of injury.

THE HARRY HOUDINI UNAWARD FOR GREATEST ESCAPE
to the indian team for having managed to come away from the test series against pakistan without a 3-0 result in their favour; despite the pakistanis doing everything they could to make things easy for india.

AND FINALLY, THE SIDESHOW JOHNNY LEVER UNAWARD FOR MAKING UP THE NUMBERS
all the teams in world cricket that line up for their turn at being thrashed by the aussies.

Modi bats for Parthiv

under intense pressure from a host of political opponents and the press for exhibiting dictatorial tendencies, the gujarat chief minister and chief goonda, narendra modi has, in a masterstroke that is sure to put his detractors on the backfoot, jumped onto the cricket bandwagon.

after being repeatedly accused of displaying a marked tendency towards megalomania of the kind that the late, not-so-great india...we mean indira's congress used to specialise in with the 'india is indira and indira is india' statements, the chief goonda of one of india's most communally sensitive states has come out with his strongest rebuff, yet, to his crickets...err, we mean critics.

seeing that his election campaign for control over the state of gujarat was in dire need of a fresh impetus, modi - obviously taking a leaf out of king 'abs' khan's promotional book - has come out strongly in support of the 'select parthiv patel for the indian team' brigade and launched the 'parthiv is gujarat' (PIG) foundation.

"the PIG foundation's is an uncharitable trust whose role will be to bring to the notice of the selectors the the injustices being meted out to all the fine cricketers from my gujarat." he said. when asked why parthiv and other cricketers from 'his gujarat' were, in 'his opinion', being discriminated against, he said, "you journalists never talk about the good things that are taking place in the state of gujarat. the development projects, the health-care initiatives, the industrialisation, the performances of parthiv patel...none of these things make any difference to you. all you want to do is criticise me and my gujarat."

not quite sure how to react to this unrelated tirade in response to what we thought was a fairly innocuous question, we scurried off to locate parthiv patel and find out what the baby-faced stumper had to say about the PIG foundation.

stumped by this latest show of support from the chief minister of his state, parthiv reiterated that his job was to keep performing and leave the rest to the advertisers...erm, selectors. stifling the instinct to yawn, we soldiered on in pursuit of a more newsworthy quote. obligingly enough, the former india wicket-keeper batsman added that he also hoped the always innovative australians would suggest yet another way to enliven test cricket by sending out four opening batsman to kick off every innings of a test match - as that was the most likely way he saw himself making a comeback to an indian team in which the only vacant slots were at the top of the batting order.

wondering what the people of gujarat were smoking to be able to conjure up such wonderfully outlandish thoughts we walked into munaf patel, half-heartedly holding up a placard that said 'Mr. Modi, Munaf is Parthiv!' carelessly oblivious to the possible ramifications of attempting to get to the bottom of this, we looked askance at munaf only to discover that he was, yet again, unfit to answer to any of the demands placed on him.

relieved to not have been assaulted by yet another round of gujarati logic but at the same time determined to get to the bottom of this matter, we went back to the man who claimed to know the pulse of every gujarati in the world. "it's quite elementary, my friend. munaf is a patel. parthiv is a patel. and so munaf is parthiv." realising - most likely from the expression on our face - that we weren't following any of this, he triumphantly added, "see, only a gujarati will understand these matters and that is why i am gujarat!" concluded a smug-faced mr. modi.

reminding ourselves that in future we must restrict ourselves to quizzing mr. modi about development, industrialisation and healthcare, we checked our cellphone for any messages from the various stars clamouring to share their thoughts with us on various matters of earth-shaking impotence. (for the uninitiated, that's gujarati for importance.)

not surprisingly, there was one, more, from king 'abs' khan. demonstrating a remarkable mastery over the intricate goings-on in world cricket, geopolitics and modern history, his message to us said, "the easiest way for parthiv to get back into international cricket is to re-invent himself as a fast-bowler and move to pakistan. after all, many a patel is from pakistan. call me. i want to talk cricket. and promote my next film."

Let's wrap

since we're making grand plans to go on a holiday longer than anything a workaholic like us might make the time to even consider, we thought it best to share some of our parting thoughts on the year 2007 that was for indian cricket.

in an unfair world, the year would belong only to sourav. but since that would mean an unacceptably short review for the powers-that-be who pay us our peanuts for monkeying around in the hallowed precincts of this rag, we're going to have to be a lot fairer and take stock of all the people who bothered to make their mark in 2007 - mostly for the right reasons.

towards the end of 2006, all eyes in indian cricket - and, to an extent, even australian - were on one man. eyes that were trying to reconcile with a doubting mind harbouring sobering thoughts on whether the ageing body of this man could still call upon the skills required to keep pace with his never-say-die spirit. one year later, that man has provided an answer more conclusive than any of us thought he was anymore capable of delivering. with almost 950 runs at an average of over 60 runs per innings, sourav ganguly is our mega-star for 2007. (and no, we will not qualify it with uncharitable comments on the dubious quality of some of the opposition bowling attacks he made these runs against.)

in other people who make it to this much-anticipated and widely dissected annual, global and world famous news bulletin: we have wasim jaffer who has taken huge strides in his journey towards cementing a place at the top of a star-studded batting order in which nobody had the moxie to step forward and do the most difficult job of opening the innings with him. which is an all-important reason our next star of the year 2007 is the little dinesh karthik.

living in a country of a billion people who stoically tolerate an acute paucity of opening batsmen, fast bowlers and time for those who haven't been touched by the much-ballyhooed 9% rate of growth in gdp, it behooves us to make a little space for...a man who is so hungry to be in the indian team that he is willing to do much of the dirty work that far more established players have blithely turned their backs on. for his can-do spirit and not-so-inconsiderable skills as a batsman - that were on display for the most part of 2007 - we rate dinesh karthik as an 'outperformer'.

the other players whose stocks have risen through 2007 would be the 'almost very very special' laxman, gautam 'very intense' gambhir, irfan 'comeback' pathan, zahir 'comeback' khan, robin 'the mouth' uthappa, rohit 'the kid' sharma, rudra 'dreamboat' pratap singh and the devsaab of indian cricket, sachin 'evergreen' tendulkar. very honourable mention: anil 'tireless' kumble for bailing his country out of a tight spot and taking on the poisoned chalice of the indian test captaincy.

taking...erm, stock of the picks we have put together so far, we're wondering who we might have left out? immediately after doing so, it dawns on us that we haven't done what we're best unknown for: taking the laggards to the cleaners. well, there's a very good reason for it. seeing that we're so happy with the way things have panned out for us the past year, we didn't want to leave 2007 with any kind of negative bias. and so, we won't.

there's one or two things though we will say before taking the high road out of these parts. ms 'nothing to do with bill gates' dhoni and yuvraj 'my father's dreams' singh were, for us, the two people who kept the established 'stars' on their toes, the young guns in high spirits and the demanding advertisers coming back for more. without them the indian cricket circus of 2006-07 might only have been remembered for the world cup debacle, the utterly shambolic, depressing, tragicomic shenanigans of the bcci and a certain greg chappell, mbe, vec (very emotional coach). that said, dear unreaders, we're off.

ps: you may violently disagree with all or many of these carefully calibrated assessments we've taken little trouble to cobble together for your read. but for that you'll have to read, at least, some of our drivel. good luck. (you'll need it.)

Australia pick Sreesanth

in another round of the targetting the australians are so fond of indulging in before any series, they announced they would be going after the aggressive indian speedster in the coming series. (only not much later than a malfunctioning alarm did it dawn on us what they really meant by this.)

when the hosts were gently informed that sreesanth wouldn't be gracing their shores with his presence on account of an injury, they were most upset but quickly recovered and responded to this unexpected googly from the indian think by swiftly embarking upon the unprecedented step of inviting sreesanth to join the australian team. (perhaps in retaliation to the bcci's move to buy out their mercenaries...erm, players for the ipl.)

flummoxed but never hastily dismissive of anything australian, we wondered what the not-so-obvious agenda behind this radical step might be. and that's why we contacted their mole in the indian camp.

"oh, if you ask me that fella buchy is behind all this. after his latest idea of letting australian players play in teams from other countries to help make for a more level cricket playing field was firmly dispatched to beyond the boundaries of the ridiculous (only to be replaced with australian players selling their souls to the ipl), this must be his way of weakening the australian team and subtly levelling the playing field, which, happily enough, also makes for better tv rating points and higher sales of bizarre australian cricketing memorabilia. basically, once the world realises how much more entertaining this business of mixed teams is, they'll understand this is the way forward for cricket."

noticing that the mole was getting overly attached to his own enlightened spin on all things and overlooking simple facts like john buchanan was no longer the coach of the australian team, we thought it best to make for the door and save ourselves any more of this mental disintegration. on our way out, the mole rushed towards us and thrust a business card in our hands. it said, 'Greg Chappell, MBE, VEC, Very Emotional Coach.'

we looked at the respected gent and waited for one of his famous parting shots. he didn't disappoint. shooting from the hip, he said, "has sourav been taking batting lessons from gary?"

not feeling quite right about walking out on a man who was suddenly playing misty-eyed on us, we called upon all the reserves of compassion we weren't in the least bit aware we had in such abundance and asked him, "the seniors are going to retire soon. do you think you'll ever go back to coaching the indian cricket team?"

to which, smiled and said, greg chappell, MBE, VEC, "now you know why i came back to coach the lalit modi's state team."

The Guess Who - An Auld Game

marauder, master-blaster and butcher make for unlikely but perfect epithets to describe the way this shy, unassuming man plays his cricket. after the great sir isaac vivian 'neena gupta' alexander richards, our man has got, perhaps, the most famous, and most fearsome, forearms in contemporary cricket. interestingly enough, both - viv and he - played a crucial role in numerous matches with their dangerous but under-rated bowling skills. when it comes to their batting, though, none of their opponents ever made the mistake of underestimating them, and the often benign indian and english attacks - against whom they've both played knocks that will proudly stand the test of time - were among their two most favored whipping boys. considering that he has more than a few things in common with the great richards, it needs to be stated here, right off the...err, bat, that their personalities are as different from each other as are opposites. well, actually, when it comes to the public image they choose to cultivate they are opposites. that said, they both come from islands of cricketing excellence. for someone who shares so much in common with viv richards, it seems only right that he has something to do with the other richards too. and he does. in fact, he is like barry richards. in passing, we'd like to point out that in and around deep backward point was an area our man preferred to do a bulk of his scoring in; mostly in flat 6s and ferocious 4s. that aspiring opening batsmen today don't think a copy-book technique is a necessary condition to do the job has much to do with this man. what they don't realize is that his unique, club-like forearms had much to do with the way only he played. can you, dear readers of this not-at-all-esteemed cricket rag, tell us who we are trying harder than a prehistoric rock not to reveal the name of? answer in comments.

Cricket Quotas

"why don't you ask warne."
murali, when asked how it felt to break warne's world record.

"chuck it."
warne, when asked how it felt to be broken by murali.

"i'm saving myself for the icl."
jayasuria, when asked to comment on murali's world record.

"the fucking terrorist got another wicket!"
deano jones, when asked to comment on murali's world record.

"stay invested."
pc chidambaram, when asked to comment on murali's world record.

"murali is not the terrorist who has invested large sums in the indian stock market. but he is an assassin."
cricket fan, word player and indian finance minister, pc chidamabaram, when asked to comment on murali's world record.

"how do i look?"
ramiz raja, when asked to comment on murali's world record.

"how do i look?"
shahid afridi, when asked to comment on murali's world record.

"how do i look?"
shoaib akthar when asked to comment on murali's world record.

"look at me!"
greg chappell, when asked to comment on murali's world record.

and finally, it's only fair that we give the last word to the new world champion bowler muthiah muralitharan, "why don't you ask warne."

Pakistan seal moral victory

the great thing about moral victories is that while they might feel a bit unsatisfying they do leave you rather hungry for the real thing. what's more, they also infuse you with the confidence to believe that you have turned the corner and are ready to taste success. after getting out of what - against a better bowling attack - might have looked like their alcatraz of this tour of india, pakistan and, in particular, their makeshift captain younis khan will be waiting for bangalore as eagerly as andrew symonds and company will be awaiting the arrival of sreesanth. to think it all started with one unlikely atlas holding the fort in almost lost cause.

right from inaugural edition of the t20 world cup, which is when he first laid his eyes on the indian attack, misbah has developed an affection for them that ought to make them blush. what he started in the delhi test - but couldn't quite finish - he brought to fruition, appropriately enough, in the garden of eden. and from the looks of it, it needed misbah - and, of all the distinguished batsmen, a sami - to knock sense into the rest of the pakistani batters. so that even though the atlas from mianwali, for once, failed to settle in for the long haul, the two Ys were rejuvenated enough to remind the indian bowlers what they might have to deal with much more of when the gladiators reassemble in bangalore; of course, with help from the inspirational misbah. (if his yousufesque record against india is anything to go by, now that he has failed once, he's due for a big one.)

on reflection, it's quite obvious that india, yet again, missed most the services of an aggressive bowler like rp singh or sreesanth. munaf, notwithstanding his startling dismissal of misbah in the second essay, didn't look like much more than a hardworking trundler. at 150 for 5 in the first innings and down for the count, india needed a better bowler to rattle the likes of akmal. and, crucially, the stumps. for the next test, we believe either rp or sree or, even, the shrewd pathan deserve a look in. in fact, we're not quite certain why pathan - with his ability to out-think the batsman, which would have proved invaluable during periods in the kolkatta test when it looked like the indian attack had run out of fuel and ideas - was not given the nod over munaf in this game. the vote of confidence would have done pathan a world of good in the run-up to the tour of australia - for which, we're convinced, he should be selected. and what about munaf? more about him in another piece.

speaking of pieces, kumble in his post-match piece said moral victories mean nothing to him. perhaps the studious-looking skipper has a point. (because as a studious-looking sort he must.) but we'd like to point this out. without a moral victory, india might not have gone on to win the recently concluded test series in england. without a moral victory in the test series, nasser's flintoff may not have gone on to win england the odi series and bare his chest. and without moral victories, cricket would not be a mind game. but it is. that's why when a team that needs nearly 300 runs to stay in the series does so, in some style, with the help of only one top order batsman and one out-of-form wicket-keeper fighting for his place in the side, it's not just a moral victory. it has all the makings of a momentum shift, the repercussions of which are likely to go some way. maybe all the way down to india's tour of australia.

Misbah rocks the casbah

he came. he saw. he conqured. he remained unconquered. but has the 'flaky' misbah done enough to save pakistan? let's, quickly, consider how much the maestro from mianwali has toiled to keep the men from his side of the wagah afloat in this match...and the series

today, he played more than half the number of deliveries bowled during the entire duration of the pakistani innings. he was at the crease for over 80% of the time the pakistani first innings lasted. at the end of it all, he wasn't dismissed. he rarely looked in any kind of trouble. and we won't say we told you he was going to be the next inzamam-ul-haq. we'll leave that for the other more well-known mouthpieces. all this to say without misbah, this series would have by now been decided in india's favour. that said, it still looks like it's going that way.

just when it looked like india had dropped the ball, lost the plot and handed back the initiative to pakistan - despite, shockingly enough, having scored over 600 runs in the first innings - kumble, laxman and the gods of cricket conjured up a moment of magic to add to the glittering array of memories and stars this wonderful match has throw up for our entertainment and enrichment. rarely have we been witness to a match with more brilliant performances. jaffer. dravid. sachin. laxman. sourav. dhoni. bhajji's 5 wicket haul. kumble's tireless spell. misbah. akmal. sami. jaffer again. the return of a refreshed, radiant but sadly luckless shoaib in the second innings. and we've still got a potentially gripping final day's play to come.

as is often the case after a team scores big...very big in the first knock on a wicket with only marginally more life than in a fossil, it's up to that team to make more things happen. so far, that team - india - have held the initiative for most part of this match....with a little help from a lackluster display by the pakistani top order batsman. come tomorrow, it'll be up to the indian bowlers, and fielders, to better their largely average first innings performances with a series of superior, decisive knock-out punches. Ys or no Ys, they can be certain as sunrise that one man will be calmly waiting for them. misbah.

Misbah-ul-Haq to Captain Pakistan

after younis khan declined to be, even, the makeshift captain for the third test, despot dictator general mushy stepped in to solve this latest crisis and appointed misbah-ul-haq as emergency skipper. in a very brief follow up address to the nation he barked, "in pakistan emergency is the answer to all crises."

immediately after, the vastly experienced cricket scholar, dr. shahid afridi added that misbah-ul-haq will have to be more aggressive as a captain. when the respected pundit was reminded that this is exactly what he had said to the former skipper, dr. shahid afridi promised to be more aggressive in his next set of statements.

in his first press conference after the appointment, captain misbah appointed sami as his vice-captain. he said, "sami is the one guy i have spent the most time with. i trust he will return the sentiment." in his first press conference after his appointment, sami flicked back his lustrous locks and politely returned the favour. it is believed the newly appointed captain misbah - being so used to doing everything to save pakistan - is considering taking on the responsibility of the vice captaincy too.

on the flight back to australia geoff lawson, the former coach of pakistan, said he had learned a lot during his stint with the pakistani team. when pushed for a quote, he said he had learned to keep his mouth shut.

in his second press conference after being made skipper, misbah-ul-haq cited family commitments meant that he regretfully wouldn't be able to take over the additional privilege of captaining pakistan. seeing that the next in line for the job would, logically speaking, be the vice captain, general mushy, fighting back tears, invited the vice captain misbah-ul-haq to take over from captain misbah-ul-haq as captain of pakistan. vice-captain misbah-ul-haq has asked for some time to consider the offer.

on that gripping note about the behind-the-scenes happenings from the world of crocket, this is tpr signing off with wink and a smile.

Akmal keeps the faith

we're not quite sure what gets into their heads but there is definitely something about pakistani wicket-keepers that makes them play out of their skins against india. the pakistani think-tank needs to be commended for persisting with a man whose neck has, for some time, been on the chopping block.

yesterday, akmal did to the indian attack what he has done just as brilliantly a couple of times in the past, most memorably, at mohali and karachi. and akmal is not the only pakistani keeper the indians have had trouble against.

during the 80s, the feisty salim yousuf often reserved some of his better performances for india. then, there was the inaugural match of the short-lived, poorly conceived asian test championships in which pakistan were reduced to 6/26 on the first morning only for moin khan to kick-start one of the greatest rearguard actions in the history of cricket and give his team the much-needed fillip to come back and win the test match.

that match, though, is most remembered for a young shoaib akhtar's double strike to castle rahul dravid and sachin tendulkar of consecutive deliveries - oh, how the mighty have fallen - and the disgraceful reaction of the eden crowd to a disputed 'sachin run-out' in the second innings that resulted in the match being completed in front of empty stands. will we see more of the same if kumble's indians contrive to somehow lose this one? in the current climate of commendable bhai-chara and neighbourly love we seriously doubt it.

anyway, the whole point of this trip down memory lane is to...well, point out that such are the problems indian teams have historically had against keepers from across the border. in the light of which, it seems only right that akmal delivered a long overdue big one. after all, it's rare for an indo-pak series to be completed without a notable contribution from a pakistani wicket-keeper.

truth be told, we're glad the simple, unassuming akmal, finally, decided to make his presence felt in a series that was rapidly turning into a terribly one-sided one. thankfully, for the jittery indians, he didn't take it too far. (had india not managed to get rid of akmal just before close of play, they would have had a bit too much to think about.)

the way things stand, it looks likely that india will go on to dismiss the pakistanis for less than 416 and enforce the follow on. (will they? we think yes.) and if they do, the question most indians will be confronted with is what if the two Ys and the ever-consistent misbah fire together? and what if akmal is still not done? will india be left chasing a tricky target on a crumbling fifth day wicket? thanks to akmal, misbah and india, the second test looks poised for a thrilling finish.

the eden crowd, meanwhile, holds on to its projectiles, and hearts, with bated breath.

Ball in India's court

only one team can save this test match. and while this might sound odder than a chinaman to the untrained ear, that team is not pakistan.

after being fortunate enough to have won the toss and batted first on a wicket flatter than a permanently pressed bespoke shirt-front, the home team have left the visitors with the mammoth task of scoring over 400 runs to save the follow-on and the series.

and yet - if only for the purposes of re-iterating how clever we are - it'll be down to india take 20 wickets and save us from enduring a high-scoring snorefest. but for that, they'll have to get past some historically troublesome ifs and Ys.

in the two Ys, younis and yousuf, pakistan have masterful players of spin bowling who, rather surprisingly, missed out at kotla and will be determined to partake of the run-feast the indians have gorged themselves on.

apart from his monumental 267 in bangalore to set up a series levelling win during pakistan tour of india in 2005, younis also made 147 at Kolkata and a pair of centuries during India's trip to Pakistan in 2006. as is clear from his record, his will be a wicket kumble and company will fervently hope they can snaffle soon tomorrow.

yousuf hit nine centuries in 2006, which is a world record for most centuries in a calendar year and also equalled bradman's record of scoring six centuries in successive Tests – although it took him only five matches to do it. he was also among pakistan's top run-getters in the just concluded odis.

it would be foolish on india's part to expect these two big match, big knock badshahs to be as generous as the profligate pakistani bowling attack has been so far.

in addition to the two Ys, regular readers of our views will already know how high an opinion we have of salman butt, who's still there. sadly, for us, our other favoured young guns from pakistan, shoaib malik and shahid afridi are not. good on india.

all this to say, it'll be captain kumble who'll have to do muost of the running in order to find ways to put it across some formidable obstacles that still stand in the way of a series clinching win for team india.

kumble has often said that he finds it much easier to take wickets once the batsmen have put runs on the board. well, we'll see how easy. his batsmen have played their part. it's now up-to kumble, and the other bowlers, to take this match by the...umm, balls and turn it. for if they don't, the two Ys are quite capable of batting their way to what might be a face-saving, series-turning draw.

if pakistan do manage to bat their way out of the hole their half-baked attack has dug them into, they'll go into the next test on a huge high. and we all know what younis khan did the last time these two teams met in bangalore.

Jaffa calls the shots at Eden

from 22/175, Bazaar Road, Mumbai to taking centrestage at arguably the greatest cricket ground in the world, it has been a long and bumpy ride for the elegant wasim jaffer. we hope, after this trip to the eden gardens, he'll stay on track and finally give india the great opening batsman she has so long craved for. the determination and perseverance that wasim jaffer has shown in weathering the ups and downs of his career so far make us think we might have found one of the two men we'll so desperately need to compete against australia in australia. now if only we can somehow locate the old virendar sehwag, life would be truly beautiful. that said, wasim jaffer in full flow does make for some very comely viewing.

on a day when half the pakistani team was indisposed with some ailment or the other and the rest that were on the field going through their shambolic motions rather than trying to play a competitive game of test cricket, the indian batsmen must have felt like kids given a free reign in a candy-laden store. that a radar-less sohail tanvir was forced to bowl a spell of leg spin and the peerless shoaib akhtar managed only 9 overs...yes, 9 overs of impotent fast-medium on this the first day of a most important test match for pakistan is a sad reflection of the mismatch this series is fast turning out into and, if we may be forward enough to add, the sad state of this lawson-coached, leaderless pakistani team. rahul and sachin must be kicking themselves for not going on and doing a jaffer, while dinesh kartik will hope his generosity for taking on the much avoided make-shift opener's job is rewarded with an equal, if not greater, dose of selectorial largesse while picking the team for the tour of australia.

while a contest more one-sided than admiral horatio nelson is not quite our cup of see, tpr is certainly over-the-top of cloud 9 to note that wasim jaffer is finally turning into the batsman he has long threatened to be - in, of course, the characteristically non-threatening manner he goes about conducting all his business. after the pretty little 50 he stroked his way to in the last test at kotla, this was, indeed, the main course we were hungrily waiting to dig into. and...it's not over. it is our heartfelt hope that he will not do a sourav on us tomorrow morning by getting himself out without making a big, big one. it's high time the blue-in-the-face billion got itself another triple centurion in tests. no? yes. (sigh, where oh where is that sehwag?)

tpr hopes that these pakistanis quickly find their mojo and come to the party - fact is, this indian team desperately needs a fosters-like wake-up call prior to the series of much sterner tests that await them down under. unfortunately, as is often the case with pakistan, in the absence of a strong leader they look quite incapable of playing a sound, consistent game. then again, as the mother of all cliches with respect to pakistani cricket go, they're most dangerous when down...but not quite out. and on that optimistic note, tpr - in a flash of utterly un-tpr-like initiative - is off to find the lost sehwag. lagey raho, jaffer!

The Guess Who - An Auld Game

the first time we watched this player do his thing, we wondered how someone who looked so vulnerable against the far-far-from-fearsome likes of venkatesh prasad managed to get away with so much. over time we realised it had much to with the fact that this man had a bit of atherton in him. and a bit of marvan too. and sunny gavaskar. and border - in fact, a lot of border...and a kiwi, too. oddly enough, for someone who was so much like so many other very fine players, he had few of the talents that his copiously endowed half-brother possessed. thankfully, with the kind of skills he had, or not, he was smart enough never to try and emulate his lavishly gifted half-sibling. quite obviously, he was never the kind of player crowds would travel great distances to watch. and yet, he was always the player in his side that opposition teams would try their hardest to see the back of. for a while, it looked like there were one or two surefire ways to send him on his way back to the pavillion. until, as was characteristic of his nature, he went back to the drawing board and devised a way to plug these seemingly glaring technical loopholes. perhaps it was the hairstyle or the fact that he didn't smile all that much, but he always seemed a little older than he was. calm and level-headed, he brought a healthy degree of common sense to the art of batting, which possibly explains why off the field and in the dressing room the dafter side of his personality surfaced. he enjoyed particular success on the sub-continent - where other players have floundered against the turning ball. might that be the reason he chose to come back? answer in comments.

BCCI commissions 'Guru Gary'

it never fails to amuse us how many times we're presented with the opportunity to say 'we told you so'. and so, repeatedly amused, we'll say this, again, we told you so.

it has come to our considered notice that certain people of considerable power in the bcci are asking certain other people who are not 'in' the bcci to come up with a suitable response to that hurtful piece of emotional drivel guru 'the not-so-great' greg okayed in the equally not-so-great documentary titled 'guru greg'.

these certain people in the bcci, who are believed to be the very secretive and invisible readers of tpr, swiftly cottoned in on how popular the term 'guru gary' is likely to become and so to make the most of the advertising revenues that will accrue from this imminent spike in the google-wordiness of 'guru gary', they have decided to produce a reality show in which the transparent process of choosing guru gary will be aired like dirty laundry in 13 equal episodes.

the participants of the already documented show were of course not aware that they were being recorded. which makes us more certain than the likelihood of another selectorial snafu that the bcci has a surefire hit on her hands. (no, no. it is only fair that tpr gets no partake of it.)

out in the blue corner - in what we suspect is a shrewd move to welcome the man whose job he nearly killed to have - guru greg is believed to have initiated hectic parleys with the assistance of the dashing, ambitious and scheming lalit modi to corner all the media noise and once-again reiterate that what he would like most is to be left alone.

First look: Guru Gary

first of all, let's drop the 'kirsten' from gary. for gary is way different from his far more talented brother kirsten. and that's what makes tpr certain as another sachin 90 that he's the right man for the job. what do you mean, what job? there is only one job worth thinking about. it's the job of the coach of the indian team. ladies and gentlemen, please welcome guru gary. the new, improved avataar of john wright? the doosra though doesn't think so. if tpr were into betting, it'd put all its ill-gotten gains as a moonlighting cricket writer on the distinct possibility that tpr will be proven wrong in investing his hopes on the unknown as a parsvnath share, guru gary. who? perfect. but, the doosra still seems to think chappell was the right man for the job. and the indian team wrong in rejecting him. maybe the doosra is right. tpr is known to has been proven spectacularly wrong in its predictions. case in point: misbah-ul-haq for the next inzy? hah! salman butt, shooting up like a reliance share? iffy...like the stock market. we'll have to wait and see. misbah is flaky. salman is inconsistent. yes. and yes. but...they've got personality. what personality? we'll have to wait and see. its that personality they've got that makes us bet on them. and reluctantly laud the indian selectors for getting it right. that's three times in a row they've done the right thing. let's make them stock-pickers. note to self: put together that stock market meets cricket game. spend less time writing this unknown blag. right. but why does tpr like so much guru gary? the perfect time, we think, to move to the next paragraph.

tpr can't help but fall back on the obvious and draw our non-existent audience's attention to the last good coach the india stars had. he was a left handed opening bat. he was dour as scrub. doughtier than the oldest piece of nan. dogged as a porn star and boringer than growing grass, he was reliable as a chappati. his was a talent as run-of-the-mill as daily bread - which, he made the most of. no, the answer we're coming to is not guru gary. but it could be. we've never met coach wright but from what we've seen of him as a player and a coach, he was the perfect personality for that india side. ditto with respect to coach gary who we gut-feelingly believe in our...umm, gut, is the right personality to coach this india.

big names need coaches with complimentary and complementary personalities. often these coaches have to deal with being things that don't do much more than ply players to various places. greg chappell, mbe would never have been able to coach shane warne. the indian team is full of shane warnes. and that's why the india stars will not be coached by a richards or a sunil gavaskar or a kapil dev - who in any case is banned because he's now part of the icl, bless his simple soul - or even the most beloved greg chappell. they need someone like gary or gary or gary. its pretty obvious, we think guru gary is perfect. most of all, simply put, in a nutshell, last but not the least and - insert parting cliche here - because he doesn't think he's a guru. the doosra, though...never mind.

Sourav survives Kotla test

so we started writing this match report a few hours ago until we asked ourselves what's the big idea writing something that dilip, over at the doosra, will do a predictably evocative job of. and so he has.

dilip has said almost everything that needs to be said about india's gabbaesque record at the kotla. almost. thankfully, he has left us with one or two things more that are worth writing home about, one of which - the sourav show - we will proceed to dwell upon in some detail.

after a typically loose dismissal through the gate in the first innings, a typically chancy contribution with the ball and the bat in the second effort ensured that the 'long in the tooth but far from short on determination' bengal tiger lived to fight another day...and two more test matches. good on him.

luckily for captain kumble and sourav, the latter managed to somehow successfully negotiate shoaib's thunderbolts during a most crucial time of the match last evening. where a more adventurous captain might have considered sending in dhoni at the fall of dravid's wicket, kumble, as is his wont, did what was expected of him.

against a more inventive and better endowed team than malik's pakistan, kumble will have to demonstrate more initiative in order to deal better with challenges involving the likes of brett lee, mitchell johnson and company. it'll be interesting to see how much extra over the ordinary our new captain is likely to be. or not. we think not.

the next test is going to be held at the eden gardens. we wonder what sourav, laxman and dravid, all of whom have fond memories of this one of the world's more dramatic cricketing venues, will serve up for us.

the last time the indian's played pakistan here, it took shoaib akhtar two balls to change the complexion of the game. two magic balls. balls even more magical than the one he bowled to breach the wall's defenses in the kotla test. a feast awaits us.