under intense pressure from a host of political opponents and the press for exhibiting dictatorial tendencies, the gujarat chief minister and chief goonda, narendra modi has, in a masterstroke that is sure to put his detractors on the backfoot, jumped onto the cricket bandwagon.
after being repeatedly accused of displaying a marked tendency towards megalomania of the kind that the late, not-so-great india...we mean indira's congress used to specialise in with the 'india is indira and indira is india' statements, the chief goonda of one of india's most communally sensitive states has come out with his strongest rebuff, yet, to his crickets...err, we mean critics.
seeing that his election campaign for control over the state of gujarat was in dire need of a fresh impetus, modi - obviously taking a leaf out of king 'abs' khan's promotional book - has come out strongly in support of the 'select parthiv patel for the indian team' brigade and launched the 'parthiv is gujarat' (PIG) foundation.
"the PIG foundation's is an uncharitable trust whose role will be to bring to the notice of the selectors the the injustices being meted out to all the fine cricketers from my gujarat." he said. when asked why parthiv and other cricketers from 'his gujarat' were, in 'his opinion', being discriminated against, he said, "you journalists never talk about the good things that are taking place in the state of gujarat. the development projects, the health-care initiatives, the industrialisation, the performances of parthiv patel...none of these things make any difference to you. all you want to do is criticise me and my gujarat."
not quite sure how to react to this unrelated tirade in response to what we thought was a fairly innocuous question, we scurried off to locate parthiv patel and find out what the baby-faced stumper had to say about the PIG foundation.
stumped by this latest show of support from the chief minister of his state, parthiv reiterated that his job was to keep performing and leave the rest to the advertisers...erm, selectors. stifling the instinct to yawn, we soldiered on in pursuit of a more newsworthy quote. obligingly enough, the former india wicket-keeper batsman added that he also hoped the always innovative australians would suggest yet another way to enliven test cricket by sending out four opening batsman to kick off every innings of a test match - as that was the most likely way he saw himself making a comeback to an indian team in which the only vacant slots were at the top of the batting order.
wondering what the people of gujarat were smoking to be able to conjure up such wonderfully outlandish thoughts we walked into munaf patel, half-heartedly holding up a placard that said 'Mr. Modi, Munaf is Parthiv!' carelessly oblivious to the possible ramifications of attempting to get to the bottom of this, we looked askance at munaf only to discover that he was, yet again, unfit to answer to any of the demands placed on him.
relieved to not have been assaulted by yet another round of gujarati logic but at the same time determined to get to the bottom of this matter, we went back to the man who claimed to know the pulse of every gujarati in the world. "it's quite elementary, my friend. munaf is a patel. parthiv is a patel. and so munaf is parthiv." realising - most likely from the expression on our face - that we weren't following any of this, he triumphantly added, "see, only a gujarati will understand these matters and that is why i am gujarat!" concluded a smug-faced mr. modi.
reminding ourselves that in future we must restrict ourselves to quizzing mr. modi about development, industrialisation and healthcare, we checked our cellphone for any messages from the various stars clamouring to share their thoughts with us on various matters of earth-shaking impotence. (for the uninitiated, that's gujarati for importance.)
not surprisingly, there was one, more, from king 'abs' khan. demonstrating a remarkable mastery over the intricate goings-on in world cricket, geopolitics and modern history, his message to us said, "the easiest way for parthiv to get back into international cricket is to re-invent himself as a fast-bowler and move to pakistan. after all, many a patel is from pakistan. call me. i want to talk cricket. and promote my next film."