Cricket Quotas

after the usual reactions to india's usual defeat against australia in the first test at melbourne, it's time for the business of the unusual. naturally, the person we first contacted for a take on what exactly transpired after the dream of the first day had passed was rahul dravid who, quite understandably, was not in a particularly chatty mood. and so, we quite inexplicably, left it at that.

dazed and confused by our reluctance to push the envelope and push the gent in the eye of the storm for a juicy quota, we stumbled into the path of anil kumble who was just as stunned and confused by the reluctance of his batsmen to push the aussies.

by the time we were able to rouse ourselves and our dictaphone to get a juicy quota from the stunned indian captain, he had turned his back and was making his way to the practice wickets for what looked like a spot of batting. poor fellow, we thought, not only does he have to take most of the wickets, he now has to also make the runs for his team.

a few metres away from where stood anil kumble, we spotted a bright light. drawn to it like a persistent journalist is to a low-hanging quota, we made our way towards the mysterious glow, which turned out to be brett lee's million-watt smile. we stopped and looked at him hopefully. he seemed in an obliging mood. we walked up to him, optimistically.

running around the munificent trees that line the beautiful streets of melbourne avenue, he warbled a sequence of polite noises that showcased his bollywood overtures more than any worthwhile quota for your benefit.

knowing better than to offend the filmy star-in-the-making, we masked our acute disappointment at his efforts and journeyed back to the days when we used to masterfully lyp-sync repetitive ditties of deceptive simplicity for the benefit of our doting fans who worshipped us like the twinkle-toed star we used to be.

our conversation with our not-so-distant past was interrupted by a loud, loud snore. we turned to where the intrusive noise was coming from and espied the indian think tank fast asleep in a corner of the playing field. finally, it all made sense. not much more needed to be said. give or take the summary quota. and so, here it comes: "Happy New Year" to everyone from everyone.

we'll be back with a fresh set of quotas after the sydney test. until then, you might want to practice your batting skills. especially, against the moving ball. who knows, very soon, you could well be called upon to assist the beleaguered indian captain and asked to open the innings. god knows, yuvraj won't.

Cricket Quotas

fosters in hand (thank you for the cheque, fosters), sony dictaphone in the other, we walked into the football-stadium-sized dressing room that kumble described in his column with a well-known paper we'll never be sober enough to write for. who needs them? we're here. only because only we can get you the best cricket quotas in the universe. straight from the players who won't know we've been there listening to them and having imaginary conversations that lead to them spilling the beans because nobody ever aknowledges us. good. it helps when you want the best cricket quotas to be that way, in nobody's way. so, let's see what we got from the gang on the eve of the boxing day match.

"it's not like we're confused even though we may be so what if we don't know who's going to open the batting for us we know who it ain't going to be and that's not a bad place to start seeing that we're so confused. you want to open the batting?" beleaguered captain kumble still looking for an opening batsman to parter wasim jaffer. we politely declined citing our important job of delivering the freshest news to our devoted audience.

"all i need is one good innings to find my touch. though, i think dravid's the best guy to open with jaffer. bumping into virender sehwag and his bowling machine...perhaps the only bowler in the world of cricket who still hasn't figured out the way to dismiss him.

"it's not like i have a problem opening the batting for india. i just don't fucking dammit bastards don't want to do it! why the fuck should i be the fall guy after being the best fuckking batsman in the fucking side!" too petrified to wait and apologise to rahul dravid for bumping into him and who seemed a bit miffed with being, again, thrust the onerous task of opening the fucking indian batting...erm, apologies. we...kinda...sorta...feel for the senior pro.

"how do i look? you think they'll make me captain soon? did you say the way i hit my off-drives in that innings of 169? i looked so good enough for a double hundred, didn't i? how do i look? i think i'll go in at 6...no...5...no, 6. never mind. i'll make up mah mind on the day of the match. yeah, tomorrow." yuvraj doing a shoaib akhtar while waiting for his god-given place in the indian middle order. just then, from the corner of our eye we see dravid walking very quickly towards yuvi. contemplating the possibilities of a juicy exchange of quotas, we retired - not yet hurt - to a corner of the dressing room the size of a football field waiting for the explosion to happen and the hurt to follow.

some silent minutes later: it really was an extrvagantly endowed dressing room the size of a footy field with a corner so far that we were unable to hear anything at all of the spat that took place between yuvi and rahul. we did though hear the sms we recieved on our good old motorazr (thank you moto for the cheque) from kumble saying he was very disappointed with us for having hurriedly declined his gracious offer of a place in the indian side as an opening batsman. so disappointed in fact that he had decided to take matters into his own hands and partner jaffer at the top of the order.

yuvi, meanwhile, is getting used to doing a shoaib akhtar. rahul is waiting for yuvi to decide so that yuvi doesn't come after his own place in the batting order. sachin is practicing batting better in the 90s. dhoni, looking assured as ever, is drinking milk, eating biscuits and dreaming of his honey. then there's an australian guy sitting in the corner of the football-field-sized dressing room - but of course beer in hand - painting the scene. sure that his masterpeice would show up on channel 9 to be hawked as limited edition cricketobelia, we proceeded to invest the next few minutes of our time into painting a sign. see you, tomorrow morning. look out for a wild-eyed guy holding up a beer and a hand-painted, limited edition, up-for-sale signboard that says, what else, "please read TPR".

Cricket Quotas

so we're back from an invigorating whistle-stop tour to the far corners of the earth. and what do we have to show for our travails? what else, but yet another set of cricket quotas from the people who don't know how to keep their mouths shut when they ought to. for if anyone wants their innermost thoughts to be aired for the benefit of nobody at all, all they need to do is drop their gourd...sorry, guard in our presence.

from post-bangalore test reactions to pre-india down under bluster, we have it all for the benefit of you, dear readers. cooked up with a generous pinch of salt guaranteed to make your blood pressure shoot up to stratospheric levels.

"if i had jaggu dalmiya and the rest of the selectors under my thumb, i'd have achieved much more as a captain." sachin tendulkar giving a fitting riposte to sourav's whine about how much more he might have achieved had he batted higher up the order in tests.

"if i had not become complacent i'd have achieved much more as a cricketer." sourav ganguly, as is his wont, letting his guard down now that he has booked his place in the indian team for another year.

"if i had not become chappell's captain i'd still be the captain of india." rahul dravid in a reflective mood after the indo-pak series.

"it's my turn to prove chappell wrong." virender sehwag in an optimistic mood after being picked for the tour of australia.

"i'm sorry, but i'm not fit to answer that question." munaf patel being munaf patel in the face of the demands being placed on him as an international cricketer.

"i'm sorry, but i won't answer that question until the camera is turned towards me." shoaib akhtar being shahrukh khan.

"i was told that i have a shoulder injury. i'm still trying to find it." gautam gambhir's reaction when asked for a reaction on being left out for the tour of australia.

"i'm really happy to have made the cut for the trip to australia." left-arm spinner murali kartik showing off his googly and dismissing us with his plans for the tour of australia, as a commentator.

"we're thinking of asking braces to pad up and face tait." daniel vettori on how new zealand plan to counter the pace of an enraged tait and a hare-brained john bracewell.

"it's disgusting that someone is trying to do to tait what we have all along been doing to murali." ricky ponting reacting to the questions being raised about tait's action.

"look at me." rameez raja to rameez raja when he isn't with other people.

"look at me." rameez raja when he is with other people.

"i'm going to find myself a godfather and ask him to improve his bowling." indian medium pacer, ranadeb bose on how he plans to improve his bowling skills, and make it back into the indian team.

"my target is to get fit enough and bowl faster than anil kumble." the rapidly slowing munaf patel on how he plans to resurrect his floundering career.

"i'd be quite willing to captain the test side." the ever-entertaining younis khan once again declining to be captain of the pakistani cricket team.

and with that, we come to an end to this round of cricket quotas. we'll be back sooner than a cloudburst with more from the only program that gives you all the news that doesn't make the news.

Cricket Quotas

and we're back sooner than a premature ejaculation with another edition of cricket quotas. this time, it's from our tripping around with the indian team after their moral loss to pakistan in eden. the clinically described 'studious looking' captain first.

"i'm xyz/m+n% certain that there's absolutely no such thing as a moral victory."
when asked to comment on murali's world record.

"i'm xyz/m+n% certain that there's absolutely no such thing as a moral victory."
when asked to comment on harbhajan's 5-wicket haul.

"i'm xyz/m+n% certain that there's absolutely no such thing as a moral victory."
when not asked anything at all!

"how do i look?"
ramiz raja, asking people even when nobody is there to ask.

"what did my fellow commentator say?"
siva, when asked for a comment on the eden test.

"what did the women say?"
shaz, when asked for a comment on the eden test.

"i'm putting in my papers!"
'look at me' vengsarkar, when asked for a comment on the eden test.

"arre, bangalore is my hometown. we have nothing to worry. i'm xyz/m+n% certain that there's absolutely no such thing... "
reverting back to his motivational mantra...we scooted before kumble could finish; wondering why we bothered at all. and then we spotted looking quite dapper and unapproachable. and so, the hardworking stringer that we most truly are, we approached him.

"don't bother me. people are looking at me!"
'look at me' lara, when asked for a comment on the eden test.

by now we were utterly confounded by the number of people we were being urged to look at and so proceeded to abandon our quest for any further quotas from the 'look at me brigade', only to fall into the wily arms of 'don't look at me' sharad pawar staring down at us. this is what he had to say on the eden test.

"tell vengsarkar we have contacted his ghost writer and we know how much he pays him. it's better if he concentrates on selecting the team and accepting what we deem is right for a selector."

pleasantly surprised by this thoroughly unexpected dispensation, we ignored the foresight to look ahead of us and bumped into a frowning gent and a pale shadow of another person's former self. they turned out to be, who else, but the colonel's ghost and writer walking around with newspaper clippings containing the preposterous figures vengsarkar quotas he earns from his newspaper columns.

discreetly noting their troubled presence, dicta phone in hand bursting with quotas on just about everything except the, obviously inconsequential, eden game, we scurried away from the possibility of encountering any further quotas.

Cricket Quotas

"why don't you ask warne."
murali, when asked how it felt to break warne's world record.

"chuck it."
warne, when asked how it felt to be broken by murali.

"i'm saving myself for the icl."
jayasuria, when asked to comment on murali's world record.

"the fucking terrorist got another wicket!"
deano jones, when asked to comment on murali's world record.

"stay invested."
pc chidambaram, when asked to comment on murali's world record.

"murali is not the terrorist who has invested large sums in the indian stock market. but he is an assassin."
cricket fan, word player and indian finance minister, pc chidamabaram, when asked to comment on murali's world record.

"how do i look?"
ramiz raja, when asked to comment on murali's world record.

"how do i look?"
shahid afridi, when asked to comment on murali's world record.

"how do i look?"
shoaib akthar when asked to comment on murali's world record.

"look at me!"
greg chappell, when asked to comment on murali's world record.

and finally, it's only fair that we give the last word to the new world champion bowler muthiah muralitharan, "why don't you ask warne."